positivity

Six in the morning, I shouted at my boy's face as he cried non stop on our way to his kindergarten and I regret right away. I am a bad mom because the child stop crying and he hugged me instead. I cried on his shoulder and I felt better. Yes, I'm shattered. When I burst out, which sometimes it happened, I just need a hug and though I'm wrong and stupid, though I might see things wrongly, comfort my damn heart just for a while and I promise to be rational again. I am not throwing tantrum most of the time and when it happened I'm actually felt helpless. I need a soul to comfort me. A sincere one who could face the worst side of me. Sounds selfish, to asking people to see how bad situation I'm facing when I, myself, not sure whether I could do the same for others. I'm sorry for not being the best, for not being positive, for being different from who am I before (though  comparing is the worst thing to do in life), for making other families look worst (mine is even worst, mine is broken). Thanks Amji.

twenty eighteen raya

Selamat hari raya! A chaotic twenty minutes photo shoot resulted in a weird pose of me just to get this cheeky Amji smile and Anip, well.. that's him in every picture.

maybe... it's not the time yet

I'm not sure whether I'm writing this, just because I wanna comfort myself or I wanna channel this heartache of mine to... some.. other point of view. When I grow older, I realize this one important thing; which is... there are certain things now that hurt me so much or I am totally against it, perhaps, when I'm movin on to another stage of life later on, I'll comprehend it, digest it and see why people do such things. I dunno, it's like... lookin at my son now... he's survivin his terrible two life; where all the right things I and my hubs said seems wrong to him. He felt like he's right and when we're trying to correct him, he'll begin his tantrum. Like me now, having this whatsoever-terasa-hati, pffft. Maybe, it's not the time yet.. someday I'll understand, and as for now... just go with flow and if I dislike that certain thing, when my time come, let's just hope that I won't do such things. Tak ske, jangan buat.